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    1. #1
      The Queen
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      psychobabble's Avatar
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      Death, life and different things.

      Okay Capn. I figured it would be better to do it like this but hey, wasn't quite ready to go there yet. Cancelling a wedding is bad enough. LOL SO...MANY.....PEOPLE I have to tell!!!


      First ya, my relationship is ending. Its been building up this last year, last six months really I guess meh, time lines. I'm the one ending it. Not sure where I want to start with this but I'll start with the first issue.

      I've been a mom since I was 19 years old. Gonna be 23 years here in March. My youngest is 15 going on 16 so my time with this is really coming to end.

      Death. I lost my dad and one of my oldest dearest friends all in the less than a year. Death does a strange thing to a persons perception of time and life. This matters I'm just going to put a pin in it. right here.

      Multiple Sclerosis. Now, while I have not lost any mobility at this moment the reality is this could be my future. I don't know how long or even if it will ever happen. This created some other things inside of me like, I need to be fucking living my life the way I want before that happens so I'm not in fucking wheel chair feeling sorry for myself every day like my father drinking straight vodka out of the freezer in glugs all day long. (I quit drinking after I witnessed this, like completely)

      I imagine it can be seen where I am going with this.

      My now soon to be ex has three kids of his own. the youngest is fucking 8 years old and the middle just became a teen recently. He can't do the things I want to do and he needs to be there for his kids. I don't feel like being trapped in an endless parenting cycle when thats not really what I want after taking a long hard look at my own life where I have basically lived and made decisions FOR my kids for most of it. Recognizing it's okay to want things for myself isn't a bad thing at all.

      Now also, my dad has left me an opportunity here that not a lot of people get and this screaming ass inner voice in my gut will NOT stop screaming at me that I am going to wrong fucking direction for myself and it's time to step out of this and take a look at things.

      So think of this as a time of self exploration.

      I have some plans brewing I'm rather excited for to be honest. Now it's just a matter of patience (of which I don't have much left of these days so thats work lol)

      I'm not interested in living this life anymore. Maybe I"m just done with relatoinships period. at least the domesticated kind. who knows.

      But with everything that has happened I've basically had a gigantic wake up call.

      This still isn't easy. Lots of flying emotions all over the place. But...I'll get there...I'm not going to reach the end of my life looking back wishing I had done it differently

      I'm going to be brave and I'm going to just do it. For myself.
      "Incompetence shouldn't be rewarded with blind loyalty "

    2.   Click here to go to the next staff post in this thread.   #2
      Buellers Downunder Founder
      GATHERING BOOTY YARRR
       
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      Captain Nartman's Avatar
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      You should add me on WhatsApp..we can chat anytime mate.

      Thanks for taking thex time to clarify xx

      Love you matey always x

      ̿ ̿ ̿'\̵͇̿̿\з==(̪●)==ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿ ̿ ̿ .

    3. #3
      The Queen
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      psychobabble's Avatar
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      what the heck is whatsapp?
      "Incompetence shouldn't be rewarded with blind loyalty "

    4.   This is the last staff post in this thread.   #4
      Badweather Biker
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      Brother in Buells's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by psychobabble View Post
      what the heck is whatsapp?

      It's a bit like sms messages but then for iPhones.
      lean into the turn and whisper something dirty to the pavement.


      Buell this is how it is!

    5. #5
      The Queen
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      psychobabble's Avatar
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      I dont have an iphone. However I did ask my daughters to show me. Basically you can quick message people then it dissapears? Seems like a terrifying breeding ground for random dick pics. Lol.

      So still in the house for another couple of weeks. Very ready to leave, as is my kiddo. A few hiccups in the process so far but I have also had some much needed insight.

      Like having sex twice in a year is not enough for me as a person. Lack of intimacy. Lack of so many things. I dont see it as if I have wasted time tho as its not been an awful relationship. But I have changed myself.

      Had a talk with my dr yesterday and she said it makes complete sense that because I have been a parent since I was 19 and have never had an adult life of my own where I could put my needs and wants first ...wanting that for myself is natural. I find it rather exciting to be honest. With my youngest onky having a few more years till shes technically an adult I have the chance to explore what it is I want for myself in life. What it is that I want to do outside having to consider everyone else first. Keeping an open mind and an open heart about what those things can be too.

      I could live where I want. Move where I want. I can be polyamorous and dig a bit deeper into some personal things I need to understand about myself.

      Feeling hopeful and happy for what is ahead is an amazing feeling after feeling so heavy and sad for so long :)

      After the house sells my student loans will be paid off immediately. And then! Europe!!!

      Yup. Im taking a trip to Europe. :)
      "Incompetence shouldn't be rewarded with blind loyalty "

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